There are some moments in life where no words sound right.
Bereaved parents share an unspeakable bond. Our public Facebook group @ SurvivingChildLoss15. Contact us for our private group.
You are NOT alone.
Only 16% of marriages end in divorce after a loss
Grief is physical and emotional.
You ARE a good parent.
If you are reading this, chances are you or someone you know has been thrust into the club that no one wants to join — the club no one wished existed. And yet here you are. And while you might feel overwhelmed and alone at this point in your grief journey, know that others have gone before you and walked a similar path.
It is from the experiences of other grieving parents that Parents for Window Blind Safety has compiled suggestions that hopefully will provide some assistance as you face the all too real nightmare of planning a child’s funeral. Click here to read more.
According to studies, parents often experience more physical symptoms and more extreme emotions over losing a child than people grieving other types of losses.
Grief can manifest itself in physical ways. You may be unable to sleep or eat or you may sleep constantly or eat constantly. Many parents report feeling tired, walking around in a fog or daze, long and short term memory loss, an inability to concentrate or to make decisions.
Lack of sleep must be addressed. There are herbal supplements such as melatonin that you can take to help you sleep. However, in some cases, you may need a prescription-strength sleep aid for a short period of time. For parents who are not on any antidepressant medication or who feel they do not need it, St. John’s Wort was tested by Consumer Report Magazine and found to be the best herbal supplement for stress, grief, depression, and menopause.
Grief is a form of stress and affects your body like any other stress. Eating a healthy diet, drinking lots of water, walking, and light exercise can help. Exercise produces endorphins your body needs to elevate your mood.
It is especially important to avoid the abuse of drugs and alcohol in hopes of making the pain go away. Prescription medication should be taken sparingly and only under the supervision of a physician. Many substances are addictive and may lead to a chemical dependence that stops or delays the necessary grieving process. It’s best to deal with it now so you don’t have to go through it later or make the process last longer. Grief changes and working on your grief can help you move forward naturally.
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Guilt and regret are common emotions of grief. Many bereaved parents feel that if only they would have done or said something different, the death might not have occurred. By openly sharing your feelings of guilt and regret with others who understand your loss, you may come to a place where you can forgive yourself or come to an understanding that you could not have prevented your child’s death.
Despair and loneliness are common emotions of grief. You may still feel alone even when you are with a group of people. Few people can truly understand how deeply a bereaved parent hurts unless they have experienced a similar loss. People usually understand grief to the level they have experienced it. Finding support from others who have experienced a similar loss can help.
Anger is a common emotion in grief. Anger is often aimed at a person that is believed to have caused the death, at others who cannot understand your feelings, at God and sometimes at the child who died. Anger is not always expressed in negative ways. Many bereaved parents direct their anger in positive ways, by working to change laws, build foundations, raise money, fund scholarships, and find other avenues as a catalyst for positive change.
A wish to join your child who died is a normal and natural reaction to the pain you are experiencing. If these feelings become overwhelming and you begin to consider taking action, it is imperative that you seek professional support immediately.
What grief stage am I in? Throw out the old way of thinking that grief occurs in “stages.” One day you might be angry, while the next day you feel sad. It is possible to go from one extreme to the other every day. Each person’s experience of grief is different.
Will this pain ever end? Is there hope? Yes. Will you feel joy again? Yes. You will. Grief changes just like life changes. Grief won’t always be the way it is now; therefore, you won’t always feel as raw as you do now. You will get stronger. You will learn how to cope without your child here on this earth. You will smile again. You will laugh again. The sun will shine in your life and when it does, don’t feel guilty. Laughing, smiling or not having the thought of your child is YOU healing. That is a very good thing, something your child would be very happy about.
Guilt and regret are common emotions of grief. Many bereaved parents feel that if only they would have done or said something different, the death might not have occurred. By openly sharing your feelings of guilt and regret with others who understand your loss, you may come to a place where you can forgive yourself or come to an understanding that you could not have prevented your child’s death.
Despair and loneliness are common emotions of grief. You may still feel alone even when you are with a group of people. Few people can truly understand how deeply a bereaved parent hurts unless they have experienced a similar loss. People usually understand grief to the level they have experienced it. Finding support from others who have experienced a similar loss can help.
Anger is a common emotion in grief. Anger is often aimed at a person that is believed to have caused the death, at others who cannot understand your feelings, at God and sometimes at the child who died. Anger is not always expressed in negative ways. Many bereaved parents direct their anger in positive ways, by working to change laws, build foundations, raise money, fund scholarships, and find other avenues as a catalyst for positive change.
A wish to join your child who died is a normal and natural reaction to the pain you are experiencing. If these feelings become overwhelming and you begin to consider taking action, it is imperative that you seek professional support immediately.
What grief stage am I in? Throw out the old way of thinking that grief occurs in “stages.” One day you might be angry, while the next day you feel sad. It is possible to go from one extreme to the other every day. Each person’s experience of grief is different.
Will this pain ever end? Is there hope? Yes. Will you feel joy again? Yes. You will. Grief changes just like life changes. Grief won’t always be the way it is now; therefore, you won’t always feel as raw as you do now. You will get stronger. You will learn how to cope without your child here on this earth. You will smile again. You will laugh again. The sun will shine in your life and when it does, don’t feel guilty. Laughing, smiling or not having the thought of your child is YOU healing. That is a very good thing, something your child would be very happy about.
Make no mistake, if your marriage is falling apart, chances are it would have fallen apart regardless of your loss. The statistic of 90% of marriages ending in divorce after the loss of a child is a myth. Compassionate friends did their own study and found that 16% of marriages end in divorce after loss. https://www.compassionatefriends.org/pdf/When_a_Child_Dies-2006_Final.pdf
Tips that keep a marriage strong during child loss
- Don’t blame each other
- Allow your spouse to grieve their own way
- Don’t look for support from each other; that will come when you both get stronger
- Don’t make any major decisions for 6 months unless it’s absolutely vital
- Allow each other to be selfish. Everyone needs to be selfish sometimes with their needs.
- Know that your spouse is the only person who completely understands your loss
- Give each other space when you need it
- Make love as often as possible, it helps relieve stress and bond you.
- Don’t force your spouse to talk if they say it’s too painful. Find a friend, family member, or counselor to talk to.
- Don’t place large expectations on your spouse
- Seek to rebuild your relationship when you both feel stronger.
Know that your marriage will not always be the way it is, it too has cycles.